My Motivation.

Last night right before I went to bed I felt a headache coming on. Then all last night I had dreams of having a headache. And then when I woke up WIDE AWAKE at 2am, I still had a headache. And lo and behold, I currently still have a headache. I feel like absolute dog shit. I wasn’t drinking but I felt like I may as well have been. It’s frustrating waking up to a gorgeous new day feeling horrible.
Regardless, it makes me think of the maaaaaaaany, many, many times I woke up feeling like this, thanks to boozing the day/night before. I usually drank around the same amount most weeknights but some days I’d feel fine-ish in the morning and other days I’d feel absolutely horrible. Like, making myself puke before I left the house and sitting on the train on the way to work focusing on things like the latch on my purse, not moving an inch in hopes to not vomit (or feel like I was going to crap myself) before getting into the office. FUN FUN FUN. BOY I SURE MISS THAT. </sarcasm>

I’m forever fascinated how I just ALLOWED alcohol to do that to me more often than not, for YEARS on end. The power of that poison, mentally and physically, is downright scary. And that’s something I continue to remind myself of. No, no, no. No good. Bad stuff. I hope to never have another hangover for the remainder of my (hopefully long) life.

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Bored.

It’s a sunny, slightly warm-ish Saturday and I’m bored and restless and a bit cranky. I already went out for my long walk to soak up some sun. I have all of our meals planned for next week, groceries done, pharmacy done, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I guess I don’t feel like doing *anything*. I hate when even a movie or comic books doesn’t interest me. I’m kind of sulking around the house and feeling sorry for myself. Meh. Alcohol has crossed my mind more than once today but I know I’m not going to go…there. But boy, is it an easy “fix” when one is bored. It was sooooo easy to walk down the street, buy a bottle of wine and then park in front of the TV for a few hours in “the olden days”. Granted, I would feel even LESS motivated come Sunday, but whatever. Just grab another bottle and relieve Sunday boredom!

This is actually my first weekend in the oh, six or so sober weekends I’ve had so far where I haven’t felt all energetic and excited and ready to get shit done. Now….meh. I felt this boredom creeping in on my way home from work last night, too. I knew it was going to hit soon enough. Feh.

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So Far So Good.

I’ve been feeling pretty…good…as of late. Still not drinking (day 24) and not too many cravings. I use the Recovery Elevator sobriety counter on my phone to keep track of the days/money/drinks not consumer/calories saved by not drinking. So currently I’m at 3 weeks, 2 days, 23 hours, 25 minutes and ~47 seconds. I’ve not consumed (approx.) 143.61 drinks, saved $502.63 (!!!) and saved 14,360.94 calories. omgggg. While I KNEW my drinking “habit” was costing me waaay too much money, I didn’t realize it was in the $500-$600/month ballpark. Jeeeesus. That’s $7,200 a YEAR dedicated to boozing. I feel shame and elation at the same time. Man, I can put together a might nice nest egg with that money.

Anyway, last night I had an appointment with my psych doc and the last time I saw her a few months back I was weepy and miserable and just not in a good place. When I told her last night that I was feeling fantastic she actually got tears in her eyes. She’s an amazing woman and I’m so glad I was so fortunate to have met her. In the 20 years of me seeing various psych docs for various issues, I can hands-down say she’s the first who TRULY helped me and TRULY cared. We decided since I’m in such a good place right now that we can hold off until June for another face-to-face appointment, but to never hesitate to give her a call if I’m slipping into a “bad place”. I feel like I could jinx myself if I start thinking too far into the future in regards to my drinking. God, I hope I’m still NOT drinking come June. The only thing I’m willing to take from AA (man…I loathe AA. Like, a LOT a LOT.) is the “One Day at a Time” mantra. I’m sober TODAY. And I’ll think about tomorrow come TOMORROW.
Interesting note: I had a mighty big craving when leaving the doc. My ‘old’ liquor store is just a few blocks from her office and I always stopped for a pint of vodka after leaving and on my way to the train. I bought booze RIGHT AFTER leaving an appointment FOR MY BOOZE ADDICTION. Derp. Anyway, I did a couple deep breaths and told myself the feeling was temporary and that it would soon pass. (Which it did.)

On a non-related front, I managed last night to knock out two appointments in one day. My doc is over in the Ravenswood neighborhood (my old ‘hood. Man, I still miss it after four years), as is my hair stylist. I had an appt with Edgar (hair) scheduled for Friday, but since I was already a few blocks away for the doc, I swung by the salon to see if he could fit me in. So BOOM. Doc at 4:30 and hair at 5:30. I already told my boss I had to leave early on Friday for my hair, so eh. I’m still going to jet out of the office early on Friday JUST BECAUSE.

Otherwise, rainy, rainy, dark Thursday. SPRING PLZ.

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My AV Whispers the Stupidest Things.

Just now I was reading through one woman’s story of alcoholism. She was massively jaundiced and in liver failure but thankfully, with years of abstinence, she’s managed to reverse it. For just a *split* second my AV said “well, you’ve never been jaundiced. So you can like, still drink until that happens because she turned out ok.”

How fucking STUPID is that? Thankfully it was truly only a blip in my brain and was quickly overridden by my common sense. I actually snerked.

So yeah, tricky, pathetic AV.

Happy sober almost-weekend!

 

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Oh, an Afterthought.

I haven’t hit up my “regular” shops for booze in a month. I was friendly with a couple employees at a few of these places. It was clearly no secret that I have/had a drinking problem, for I was always stopping by like clockwork. I wonder if any of these folks think I’m dead or something. Maybe in another month I’ll stop in for something normal, like a soda.

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Being Kind.

The thought of being kind to myself is a bit foreign to me. I always try to cheer on my loved ones and help them see the positive in various shitty situations, but I’ve always been terribly hard on myself. Not sure how or where I learned it, but as far back as I can recall I’ve always had that running dialogue in my head of “Quit crying, you’re not a fucking baby.”, “Don’t eat that. You’re a fat, fucking, worthless pig.”, “You’re not worthy of having that.” etc.

I can recall therapists in the past telling me that I’m being too hard on myself, but I often took offense or felt resentment when they’d say that. Not sure why I took it that way, but I’d walk out of there thinking “HOW DARE YOU? YOU DON’T KNOW ME”. For whatever reason the therapist I currently see said basically the same thing, but this time it sort of clicked and I’m trying to run with it.
My usual routine is where I lie in bed at night before falling asleep and rehash embarrassing or shameful incidents that happened YEARS upon YEARS ago. Absolutely pointless. But instead of trying to push them out of my head I’m telling myself “You’ll NEVER have to deal with that situation ever again.” and actually say out loud “I forgive you, Lily.” Probably sounds a bit goofy, but it really does seem to take a bit of weight off my shoulders. And after feeling that weight lifted, it’s easier to think about other horrible incidents in my past and tell myself I forgive me for those, too. I’ll forever be a work in progress, but I feel like I’ve actually made a little dent in this.

I follow a sobriety forum and this morning I read the post of a woman who had a pretty rotten weekend filled with some quite embarrassing drunken acts. I felt embarrassed FOR her. And of course, she was beating herself up pretty bad over it. I shared that little tidbit and hopefully a little of it clicks with her and she can learn to forgive herself and move on stronger. Good luck, stranger! We don’t know each other, but I’m rooting for you!

And that said, today is sorta-technically one month of sobriety for me. Maybe “technically” isn’t the right word, because well, it isn’t exactly true, with my having a few drinks while in Seattle, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made since February 15. I still haven’t reset my sobriety counter. I think I’ll give myself another week or two until I change it to March 6. I’. looking forward to having an ACTUAL month of sobriety. Soon, soon. ❤

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Wednesday, Post-Vacation

Ok, so the trip to Seattle was awwwwwesome! Was I 100% awwwwwesome with not drinking? Well, no. Am I beating myself up over it? Well, no.

The first two days on the train were cake. Like, really, really easy. I could have had access to alcohol in the lounge car, but nope. Somehow I managed to stay entertained for TWO WHOLE DAYS reading and listening to music and watching a couple movies. Oh yeah, and talking with the BF. Of course.

On the third morning (Wednesday) we arrived in Seattle and spent the next two days with friends Mike and Julie. The two of them DO drink quite a bit. Like, I almost have to wonder if alcohol is a problem with either one of them, since they have a very impressive liquor cabinet and sooooooo much wine and champagne. For dinner that night I had a half a glass of champagne. I could have declined it, but I was like, “Ok. Let’s see what happens.” Dumb, dumb dumb dumb reasoning, I know. Anyway, I did have that half glass and that was fine. I didn’t even want any more after that. When we went to bed that night I laid there and reflected on it for a bit and decided I don’t even *want* to be a “normal drinker” because surprise, surprise…booze is only “fun” for me when I get shit-faced. The stuff doesn’t even taste good and it’s just empty calories and seems so pointless. So yay for that. And when I got up the next morning I saw that at some point the previous night between the two of them they split three bottles of wine. And Julie was hungover the next morning so she didn’t join us when we went to Pike Place Market (FUN! That place rocks.) and as much as I like Julie I was SO happy not to be in her hungover shoes.

So Thursday. Day at the Market, then back to the house for dinner and chilling. And no booze for me. YAS.

Friday morning we packed up and headed downtown to a hotel until Sunday morning. This is where things started getting kind of rocky for me. J was at the comic convention (NERDZZZZ) all day and I met up with Michelle for some Nordstrom therapy. But before I went to meet her, it was just me and the mini bar in the hotel room. It was raining and honestly, at that point I just wanted to curl up in the fluffy bed and watch home renovation shows on TV. I was initially very cranky because there was a hiccup when I tried to check in, so I was like, “Fuck it. I’ll just have one beer.” Even though before I decided to make that stupid decision I told myself “Lily, you’re tired and you’re cranky. THAT is why you want to drink.” But I did anyway. And one beer turned into two glasses of wine and a little bottle of gin. Gross. Anyway, my tolerance is still um…tolerant, so I wasn’t trashed or anything. Blah blah, shopping, spent too much money, then back to the hotel.

That evening we went to dinner at a brewery *eye roll* with Michelle and Brian where we each had a beer.

Saturday – more shopping, bummin’ around, and another small bottle of wine from the mini bar found its way into my stomach.

Sunday – brunch, walking, and then the flight back home. Had a glass of wine on the plane and that was it.

Sooooo…let’s see. Damage done = 7-8 drinks in three days. Not good, but I’m not horribly broken up over it. The worst thing for me is deciding to restart my sobriety counter. I still haven’t just yet, but I suppose after I get another week under my belt then I’ll consider it.

On the plus side, I knew that glass on the plane was going to be my last for a (hopefully) long, long time. Almost three days and I’m feeling fine.

So what did this trip tell me?

1.) I clearly have a drinking problem (lol. No kidding?). I snuck booze. And my god, I’m glad I was paying for the hotel room on my credit card because that dent I made in the mini-bar cost me an additional $75.

2.) I am  NOT ready to be in drinking situations any time soon. I’m invited to a brunch on Sunday and I’m going to have to decline because this group of friends is a boozy group and I just rather not be tempted right now.

3.) Booze tastes NAST. One glass is pointless and everything past one glass will never be enough.

4.) Even with my Friday lapse, I didn’t have a hangover the next morning, so I’ve been hangover-free for three weeks today. THAT is super, super awesome.

 

All in all, not a perfect trip in regards to alcohol but it could have been way, way worse. I didn’t make an ass out of myself. I didn’t have to wake up in the morning with a pounding headache and hope I didn’t do or say anything stupid in a drunken haze.
It was an easy, seamless transition from vacation mode to ‘normal life’ mode.

So here’s to…three days, I suppose. I’ll take it!

 

 

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