I had a really upsetting, depressing Drinking Dream last night. In it I was at my parents’ and for whatever reason I NEEDED to get drunk, or I needed to continue to get drunk or something. I remember that deep, overwhelming fear that I MUST get as much booze into my system as possible. I ended up finding some old, half-empty bottle of chardonnay or some other piss-colored stank wine underneath a couch or bed or something. It was very old, very warm, and very spoiled and I chugged it while gagging. It was just horrible.
I felt shame as I woke up this morning and it wasn’t until I hopped in the shower a few minutes later that I realized it was just a dream. Then I had that overwhelming feeling of relief, but ugh…this one stuck with me. I’m still thinking how rank it was, and how I was gagging and swallowing vomit, while still fighting to get that bottle down. UGHHH.
In real life, I only have one such memory of doing something similar. It was only a couple years ago. I woke up one morning hungover as hell (of course) and it must have been a Sunday where the liquor stores don’t open until 11am. I still had maybe a glass of wine left in a bottle from the night prior and I remember standing over the kitchen sink and pounding that flat, warm, bleh, bitter wine. I don’t think I had to swallow vomit, but I was certainly gagging. In fact, just thinking about that is getting my gag reflex revved up.
Oh god, I hope and pray I never end up in a situation like that EVER again. This is exactly why I’m keeping this little journal. I need to read back periodically to continue to never forget where I was and where I want to be. Eesh.