The thought of being kind to myself is a bit foreign to me. I always try to cheer on my loved ones and help them see the positive in various shitty situations, but I’ve always been terribly hard on myself. Not sure how or where I learned it, but as far back as I can recall I’ve always had that running dialogue in my head of “Quit crying, you’re not a fucking baby.”, “Don’t eat that. You’re a fat, fucking, worthless pig.”, “You’re not worthy of having that.” etc.
I can recall therapists in the past telling me that I’m being too hard on myself, but I often took offense or felt resentment when they’d say that. Not sure why I took it that way, but I’d walk out of there thinking “HOW DARE YOU? YOU DON’T KNOW ME”. For whatever reason the therapist I currently see said basically the same thing, but this time it sort of clicked and I’m trying to run with it.
My usual routine is where I lie in bed at night before falling asleep and rehash embarrassing or shameful incidents that happened YEARS upon YEARS ago. Absolutely pointless. But instead of trying to push them out of my head I’m telling myself “You’ll NEVER have to deal with that situation ever again.” and actually say out loud “I forgive you, Lily.” Probably sounds a bit goofy, but it really does seem to take a bit of weight off my shoulders. And after feeling that weight lifted, it’s easier to think about other horrible incidents in my past and tell myself I forgive me for those, too. I’ll forever be a work in progress, but I feel like I’ve actually made a little dent in this.
I follow a sobriety forum and this morning I read the post of a woman who had a pretty rotten weekend filled with some quite embarrassing drunken acts. I felt embarrassed FOR her. And of course, she was beating herself up pretty bad over it. I shared that little tidbit and hopefully a little of it clicks with her and she can learn to forgive herself and move on stronger. Good luck, stranger! We don’t know each other, but I’m rooting for you!
And that said, today is sorta-technically one month of sobriety for me. Maybe “technically” isn’t the right word, because well, it isn’t exactly true, with my having a few drinks while in Seattle, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made since February 15. I still haven’t reset my sobriety counter. I think I’ll give myself another week or two until I change it to March 6. I’. looking forward to having an ACTUAL month of sobriety. Soon, soon. ❤