First off, I want to apologize if I ever start repeating myself, or if write an entire post and not realize I wrote practically an identical post a month back, because I’m sure as hell not keeping track and this blog is nothing more than “OH. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY RIGHT NOW.”
Second off, I want to rescind my apology because I’m working on not apologizing for stuff that I don’t need to apologize for. Ever see that Amy Schumer sketch about “Sorry”? Good stuff.
Never, ever have I been overflowing with it. To add to that, I blush really, really easily. Embarrassed or not, my face will just turn red when talking animatedly because that’s just what it does at times. But when feeling self-conscious or nervous, yep, I’m soooooper beet-red. So you can imagine that was a real picnic to grow up with.
And once again, that’s where alcohol came in, to “fix” the problem. I loved those drunken nights(days) where *nothing* could even slightly embarrass me (until the next time I sobered up and realized what I did.)
So constantly using alcohol, thinking it would (among other things) somehow increase my self-esteem, even if temporary, was just another factor in my becoming an alcoholic. Which is something I AM embarrassed about. Once again, alcohol brought me right back to where I started. In fact, my alcoholism managed to beat my self-esteem even further down than where it originally started. Thinking I couldn’t do anything without booze was very disheartening. Feeling the need to take a few shots of vodka before a job interview made me feel like I deserved a big ol’ “L” on my forehead. Needing a few chugs from a half-pint at 7:30 in the morning to stop the shakes. Downing an entire half-pint while in bed next to my sleeping boyfriend at 2am on a Wednesday because I couldn’t fall back to sleep and really needed those few more hours of shut-eye (even though I knew very well I’d feel even worse in a couple hours). Yeah…being THAT reliant on booze was absolutely sick and depressing. I never thought I’d end up as THAT person. Alcoholism was one of those things that I always turned my nose up to when I was young. Years before I started drinking. I mean, jeeze, couldn’t they control themselves? Why don’t they just stop? Apparently, alcohol is more important to them than anything else. Ew, gross.
Alas, the whole point of this rambling post was that while life totally still sucks some days where I just crave booze all day long, each passing day where I don’t drink I feel better about myself. Each passing day my self-esteem rises. And that’s PRETTY DAMN COOL.
What inspired this post was while I was sitting at my desk eating lunch, a coworker came over who I’ve seen around before but never talked to, and she pointed out my Supernatural calendar. She was like, “I LOVE THAT SHOW” and then we continued to talk for about 5 minutes about other nerdy shows that we love. Initially I started blushing when she started talking to me (cuz…that’s just what I do!) but I didn’t really care so I just continued on with the conversation and that was that. She didn’t seem to care, I didn’t die, the world didn’t stop spinning, and I enjoyed the rest of my lunch.