So, What’s the Root of All of This?

I was always a scared, little kid. A real wuss. Always, always, always, as far back as I can remember, feeling insecure and worried what everyone else thought of me.

This sounds so dumb, but I remember once in third grade (how old would you be then? Eight?) Anyway, those “best friend” necklaces, where you and another person would have a necklace with half a heart,  were super-popular back then. There was this girl, Kristen, in my class who I thought was really cool and we would talk and play together a bit on the playground, etc. and I was like, “I want her to be my BFF!” So one day after school I spent like, hours, making these “temporary” BFF necklaces for us out of string and cardboard and whatever. I gave it to her the next day and she laughed and said she’d give it to her cat to chew on.

WHELP. WAS I EVER MORTIFIED.

I guess I’m just a very, very sensitive person, who *FEELS* more than the average person.

I used to think, even back in high school, that this is something I’d grow out of. Like, I’d hit 25 or 30 and magically be a laid-back adult who knew how to “adult” and BOOM. That’s it.

How depressing. It’s my personality. It’s not going to change. I can take all the meds in the world to help sort of combat my anxiety, but I’m just like, never going to be “fixed”. And that really sucks. And now I’m totally feeling bummed out, sitting at my desk at 8:30 on a Thursday morning. I have a ton of work to get to, but instead I’m just going to sit here and feel sorry for myself and drink my coffee.

Lame.

Anyway, on the plus side, I had a fantastic alcohol-free day yesterday, and I slept so, so good. I even woke up this morning feeling like I could conquer the world. What the hell happened between 6:30–8:30?

Feh. Feelings. This is one of the many reasons I chose to drink to the point of alcoholism.

About LilyQuits

I'm a mess.
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2 Responses to So, What’s the Root of All of This?

  1. thebongoroom says:

    This is so very familiar. I can Lay awake at night, turning over historical slights, ancient exchanges and find myself physically recoiling. Why? What’s the point? I try to give myself (and my younger self) some compassion in those moments. Sometimes it actually works.

    Godspeed this long weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LilyQuits says:

      “I try to give myself…some compassion”
      I will have to remember that the next time I have a horrible time with rehashing the past.
      Thanks, hope you have a good weekend, too. 🙂

      Like

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